This will cause problems for me later.

I have lost my motivation. It is gone. I have accomplished nothing at work today. I am ready to go home, and it is only 2:00. Of course there are things I could be doing, even though my actual work tasks are still on the skimpy side because it is the beginning of the semester. Instead of reading blogs, checking facebook, and puttng my rose-scented lotion on 65 times, I could be engaged in any of the following activities:

1. creating the questionairre for my research project
2. sending out e-mails to participants of my research project
3. finishing the proposal to send to the IRB
4. reading ahead for seminar and org. development class

there's probably other stuff that I am not even thinking of now. Remember how I said I create problems for myself? Yeah. This is a perfect example. I will probably be up until 3am some night this week trying to get all of this stuff done. Is that enough pressure to get my motivation back? No. Maybe I will get everything out by writing ths post and then work dilligently until 4:00. Chances of this actually happening: close to zero.

Here is a meme i have found on a bunch of people's blogs, and i thought since it's still early on in this blog, maybe this would help you get to know me. so here it is:

(after answering half of the first question, I feel like I need to go back and make this point: I am a gemini. geminis, by nature, have a really hard time picking just one thing. therefore, some of these will have multiple answers...

The perfect outfit: Dark denim jeans, cowboy boots, a stylish but comfy top or sweater, interesting jewelry. OR something sex but classy that fits well and has a knee-length skirt. preferably ni black. could be a seperate top and bottom...

The perfect meal: a very nice cut of beef (steak) cooked medium rare, a spinach salad with pears, candied pecans, gorgonzola, and dried cranberry, mashed potatoes, sauteed brussels sprouts.

The perfect hangover cure: the biggest diet pepsi you can find, hopefully form a fountain soda machine and a ham egg and cheese on a plain bagel toasted from dunkin donuts

The perfect drink: margaritas that come out of smoothie machines, Concannon vineyards limited edition syrah wine (so good hejo went back and bought the last 6 bottles...) sea breeze (cranberry, grapefruit, vodka), my sister in law P. homemade sangria.

The perfect song: Konstantine by Something Corporate

The perfect sign of affection: Saving the last bite for me...

The perfect afternoon: out of work early, sunny outside, good music on the radio, mike at home when i get there, chris and alicia's for dinner

The perfect vacation: somewhere with my whole family.

The perfect invention: spanx power panties. seriously.

The perfect type of wedding: one that i actually get to have before i need to use a walker to get down the aisle.

The perfect album: Goerge Strait's 50 number ones.

The perfect accent: southern US or scottish

The perfect date: one that mike plans.

The perfect weather: crisp fall days with blue skies and puffy clouds. lots of sun and cool weather, where you can wear jeans and a sweatshirt and feel perfect.

The perfect party: with my peeps from my program, destressing form all of the bullshit we go through OR my parent's amazing christmas parties.

The perfect sport: rugby

The perfect day of the week: saturday

Have a good day!

Weekend Update - Minus Norm MacDonald

When I was in junior high and high school I used to have saturday sleepovers with my best friend L. These fabulous sleepovers would usually involve us being determined to Stay Up! All Night! We usually had pizza and watched some combination of chick movies, like flashdance, dirty dancing, somewhere in time, center stage...The list goes on. Sometimes L. would even do my makeup. She had a really great Kevyn Aucoin book that had makeup made famous by different celebrities. After the makeup and chick movies, we would always hunker down to watch Saturday Night Live (back when it was good, with molly shannon and will ferrel). Everything would be great, until it was time to listen to the stupid Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald. It was so boring I would always be like "I'll just close my eyes for a minute and be all rested for the spartans". And then i would wake up at 8am. The point of sharing this little anecdote with you is to let you know that this is my version of the weekend update, and hopefully you won't fall asleep in the middle of it...

Friday night dinner: In addition to some awesome home made chicken pot pie, my brother J., who is a fabulous cook, also made some amazing Brussels sprouts (no, not an oxymoron...) he cut them in half and sauteed them with olive oil, butter, fresh garlic, salt, and pepper. AMAZING. None of the kids got nekked, but we did manage to make fun of N. (the nephew in kindergarten) about his boogery noise until he burst into tears. It was time to have birthday cake and he was sitting in a chair by himself. I went over to ask him if he wanted some cake, and he started crying and wouldn't stop. I brought him into the other room and he told me that we had made fun of his boogers too much. I almost burst into tears too, because I remember being made fun of all the time when I was little. Partly because I was the only girl with three brothers, and partly because I was a twerp. My mom always said that they only made fun of me because they loved me.If they didn't like me, they would ignore me. Thanks for the support, mom. Anyway, N. calmed down. When he gets older he really will understand that it is how we show affection...

Saturday: Mike and I stayed over at my parents house on friday night because I had a hair appointment the next day where they live, which is about 35 minutes form my house. The bed we slept in made my back hurt, but saturday morning meant a super long hot shower in water that was actually HOT. One of the down sides of living in an apartment in an old farm house is that it takes about 20 minutes for the water to get hot. And by hot i mean slightly warmer than luke warm (is that how I spell that?) and then it may only be warm for about 7 minutes. Not only did I get a hot shower, I also got to listen to my mom's Lovelines CD by the carpenters while I basked in the warmth...(Heather would understand...) The hair appt. was great. I also went to the gym, and our friends came over for dinner. We served awesome chicken pot pie leftovers...(Thanks mom!)

I went to church with my mom and dad on sunday. My feelings about religion are a post for another day, but I really like our new minister (a woman.) She writes really good sermons. She preached about making faith based decisions in areas of your life. It was great, and I was like yeah, I really should try to make sure I am living out my values. Maybe I should be less critical. It lasted for about an hour, until after church when we were making valentines for members of the congregation who are older and don't get out much. There was one woman who kept harping on her husband as he made his valentine:

"WHY ARE YOU GLUING THAT THERE? IT'S A STICKER, IT DOESN'T NEED GLUE! YOU NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING INSIDE! WHY DID YOU WRITE THAT? YOU USED TOO MUCH GLUE! YOU NEED MORE GLUE!

OH. MY. GOD.

I wanted to reach across the table and burn a hole into her with my eyes as I said "Your husband is in his sixties. i. think. he. can. handle. this. SO SHUT UP!

Obviously, I am a super christian...

I spent a lot of time in the car this weekend, and kept thinking about what I wanted to write about this week. I wished I had a little tape recorder. I can never remember how I want to say things when it is time... So, here are some things you can look forward to reading this week:

My Fictional Heroes
Sebastian, or, "Why I have turned into a future (present?) crazy cat lady...
Who I would cast in a movie of my life, part 1
Who I would cast in a movie of my life, part 2

So yeah! That's it! Have a good day!

FRIDAY!

Today is friday, and I must say that I am very grateful for that. Today I signed up for "20 something bloggers", so hopefully this will help me find more great blogs to read and meet new people. Thanks to every one who has been reading and commenting! It's a great feeling. I have decided that for a while, I will try to find 5 blogs a day that I like and to leave comments. We shall see how it goes...

One reason why I love fridays? Because it means that I get to go to my parents house for dinner! Here are some cool things about dinner at moms:

1. There are usually sixteen people for dinner at my mom's on friday nights. Here's the roster:

*Dad, who is a dentist and owns his own practice
*My mom, who manages my dad's office. they've worked together full time for about
15 years
*My brother A., who is 2 years younger than me and is a chemist
*A's fiance L., who has been dating a for about 6 or 7 years
*My brother E., who is a phys ed and health teacher. He is 11 years older than me
*E's wife P., who is a phys ed and health teacher. they've been together since
high school, so i don't really remember her not being around.
*E & P's children:

*C, a boy who is in second grade
*N, a boy who is in kindergarten
*C, a girl who is 2.

*My brother J, who is 10 years older and is a pharmaceutical sales rep
* J's wife M, who is a special ed teacher
* J & M's children

*J, a girl who is in first grade
*A, a girl who is four
*A, a boy who is one
* Me
*Mike

so yeah, that's a lot.

2. we all sit at a huge dinner table that my mom bought online from a company in florida and was hand made in pennsylvania. When all of the leaves are in and it is fully extended, it is 14 feet long.

3. the food is always great. tonight is homemade chicken pot pie (my dad makes the crust from scratch) and ice cream pie for dessert ( my mom made it) because it is L.s birthday

4. there will be good cheese and crackers before dinner, as well as good wine, which I cannot afford to buy myself right now.

5. one of the kids will probably get naked, as a result of escaping from a bath/diaper changing/putting pajamas on. neat.

6. I will feel all of the stress from my week melt away. can't wait.

The Last First Day

I thought about introducing you all to Sebastian (my cat) today, but I didn't have time to figure out how to put pics in the post yet... But then I thought about writing this, so here goes...

Today is my last first day of going to class at the University of Rhode Island. I don't necessarily know how I feel about this. I started going to URI as a freshman in September of 2000. Yes, 2000. FOREVER ago. I remember what I wore on my first day: denim skirt, black sandals, breezy summer white button down shirt, and turquoise and silver jewelry. I started as a commuter student, as I lived about 20 minutes away from campus and my mom is a firm believer in not living on campus for your fist year. I rode in to campus with a woman who lived across the street from me who I had babysat for for a few years. She was a doctoral student, and I completely idolized her. We talked about the best way to drive, where to park, all of the important stuff.

I don't really remember anything else about the first day. But I do remember the first semester. and all of the semesters after that. I saw fliers on campus for the women's rugby club, which i thought was probably the coolest thing ever. So I went to a practice. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach before practice. I was a freshman again. What a crappy feeling. I wasn't necessarily popular in high school, but I was popular in my own right. I felt like underclassmen looked up to me. And now I was on the bottom of the pile again. Rugby practice was great, and for the next two years I spent my fall and spring saturday mornings running non-stop for 45 minutes in the mud and dirt, tackling other women and suffering pinch marks and fingernail bruises on my shoulders from the scrum. The day after my first game, I felt like I had been run over by a dump truck. But it was great! My mom always reacted in horror to my bruised shoulders, but my little brother, who was playing football at the time, would always compare his bruises to mine. It wasn't just about playing the game, though. I got drunk for the first time at homecoming with the team and was told that I "puked like a champ". We went away to new hampshire, florida, and sarnac lake. I had flings with rugby boys. I went to drink ups. I sang vulgar songs. I did a keg stand. Once. For a whole 18 seconds.

A girl that I met on the rugby team was also doing student senate, so I joined too. I was a general member. i found women that I looked up to, who were so grown up and fashionable and smart. I met a boy that i dated and broke up with. i became the external affairs chair, and then the director of communications. younger girls looked up to me. back to the top of the heap... I met friends who were great, especially all of my boys. and the boy that was almost, but didn't pan out. he's in new york, now.

some of the girls from senate wanted to start a sorority. there was drama. and confusion. and looks of scorn from other sorority members who couldn't understand why we wanted something different. we picked a name, colors, a philanthropy, wrote a mission statement. we were scared to death that when we asked other women to join us, they would laugh. we asked. they came. that was 5 years ago. i met some of the most amazing women through this experience, and the amazing women are still there. doing amazing things. hopefully they will be there forever.

I lived on campus for the second semester of my sophomore year with a friend. it didn't go well. I remember having a screaming fight with her in the main hall of the union.

i became an RA in my junior year. fourth floor gorham back. I had freshmen. and i loved most of them... I had a 'special friend', and then i met mike. lots of important, um, stuff happened in that dorm room. when i left it for the last time at the end of my first senior year, I cried. It felt just like when the seever's from growing pains moved all of their stuff out of there house so they could sell it. remember that episode? I remember being traumatized.

I commuted again for the first half of my last year (the fifth year) and then I moved back on campus to be a house manager in a sorority that had been kicked off campus, but the women were living there with transfer students and the house mom they hated. I remember seeing so many slutty outfits and dinners comprised of exactly 3 pieces of celery, 2 carrot sticks, and half a piece of cheese. No problem, more stuffed shells for me.... I remember deep discussions about tanning, bars, and fake ids that I couldn't seem to get away from. I remember when mike got locked out of my room in a pink towel from the shower...

I graduated in May of 2005 with a double major in history and anthropology, after thinking about business, pr, communications, and teaching. not bad, I guess. To be honest, I was terrified of graduating. I was at the top of the heap again. people looked up to me and respected me. i had some power. after five years i knew the campus like the back of my hand. it was great. and soon, i would have to start over again somewhere. or would I?

i looked for jobs for six months, and by january of 2006 I was enrolled again in the college student personnel program at URI. It's a master's program that will allow me to work in student affairs in higher ed. I became the alumni advisor for the sorority. i felt like I was home again.

now it's almost over. for reals. I only have one semester left. I already have my BA, and soon my MS form here, so the chances of me coming back to another degree are pretty much nil. and i probably won't get a job here, which is fine. i don't necessarily want to work here unless I get a dream job with great pay. which doesn't really happen around here. It's weird to think about not being here anymore. I've been here for twice as long i have been in high school. That's a long time. But I am also looking forward to a change. change is good.

So here's to the Last First Day.

Stuff...

I don't know what to talk about today. Work i boring because I am not booked for appointments for the next few weeks, but I am sure my schedule will be full by the end of the week, once all of the little darlings get in trouble for drinkingand need to come talk to me.

Oh! I went into my big boss' office this morngin (not the boss I went to a conference with, the BIG boss) to ask her a simple question, and she asked my opinion about something going on on campus right now. We had a 15 minute conversation about it, where she seemed to value my opinion. Cool. I wanted to say "gee, if you come up with the money to hire me as a fulltime employee next year, we could chat like this all of the time." wink wink. We shall see what happens.

I am freaking out right now about a job. I am really sick of living on $300 a week. But I am super terrified that I won't find one.... So far I will be applying for a special events position at my university which I do not think I am qualified for, and a student activities job at a college one hour away. i always swore that i wouldn't do student activities, but i read the job description and was like, well, if it means eating less ramen, I guess I could deal...

So far my job search encompasses all of the instituions of higher ed in rhode island, and universities within an hour commute. That brings me to Conn College, Mitchell College, and Uconn Avery Point. Not sure what is within an hour commute but in Massachusetts. What schools are in Southern Mass? I am also going to look at local nonprofits, entry level HR positions, and whatever the career counselor suggests. Right now, I just want a slightly (ok, maybe more than slightly) bigger paycheck, and some job security. And if I could not hate it, that would be good, too.

And because I feel like this is a boring, ranty post, here is some stuff about me. embarassing stuff:

1. I must admit, I kind of lovet the new brittany song where she's calling herself Mrs. so-and -so. Love that "oh my god, that brittany's shameless" line. and i love the hannah montana song that talks about "when i see you again". the first time i heard it on the radio i was all like "this is amazing. it's kind of tecno-ey and rocking at the same time, and she sounds a little like joan jett. who is this chick i love her." and then a week later i found out who it was. yeah.

2. on monday I didn't have to work, so i wore my pajamas all day. and then i went to bed. with the same pajamas on.

3. i found out that i like eating white beans out of the can when they are cold. that's what happens when you come home from the gym and make dinner when you are starving.

4. I am going to go to Benny's for new tires instead of town fair because the town fair guy talked me into something that i really can't afford (re: my parents won't pay for) and I have trouble saying no/backing down. oh well, benny's is closer, anyway.

Have a good day!

UPDATE! How my anxiety freakout actually palyed out...

Stacey steps into Hejo's office with sheaf of receipts

"Okay, H., I am going to hand these in. Wish me luck.

H: It's going to be fine. Really.

Stacey walks down hallway to main hallway, sees office perosn who she is supposed to give sheaf of receipts to

OP: Oh, you have your stuff? Lets go look at it

Stacey follows OP, anxiety building. They approach OPs desk. OP sees the super organized, paperclipped sheaf of receipts and says

Great. I wish everyone was as organzed as you!

And the guilt washes over Stacey...

Here are my food receipts.

And the hotel receipt.

And me boarding pass receipt from the way home...

butidon'thavemyboardingthingyfromthewaydown...

but i do have this nifty document sent to me this morning by southwest. and my baggage claim tickets. and the folder my boarding pass came in..

OP: Great. I'll just take it all. Thanks!

OH THE RELIEF!

Why do I do this to myself?

So, the other day I talked about my borderline ocd, which can get in the way of things. What else gets in the way of things? My anxiety. Yeah. I said it. Anxiety. But the worst part is, usually I create the situation to be anxious about myself. And then blow it out of porportion. Sweet. I can remember being really young, like in elementary school, and thinking about the books that I hadn't returned to the library yet that were, like, two weeks overdue. And I would worry about it insanely. Like the borrowed book police were going to come and find me and give me a good talking to. But if I had just returned the books when I was supposed to, there would be no problem, right?

So, I was in Tampa from thursday morning until saturday morning, at a conference where my boss and I presented a poster. Overall, everything was great. About 50 people stopped to talk to us about our poster, which is a decent number considering that the conference was a small one. And my new grey suit looked great. Room was beatiful, king bed with down comforter and down pillows and a chenille blanket. (real chenille, not walmart chenille like I can afford. actually, I can't even afford walmart chenille right now, but that's a discussion for another time...) So, obviously, the trip was a success.

What cannot be called a success? The fact that I forgot to ask for m boarding pass receipt as I got on the plane from Providence to Tampa. I had been warned before I left to SAVE EVERYHTING. Food receipts, even though I get per diem. Hotel receipt. Plane stuff. But i handed over my boarding pass and walked halfway down the gangway (gangway?) and realized that I forgot to ask for the other half of the ticket back. I could have walked back up and asked for it, but wh wants to look like an idiot? (see? WHY DO I WORK AGAINST MYSELF LIKE THIS?). I was like, no prob. I'll worry about it later. And now I am.

So I called southwest this morning, gave my conformation number to Lori, who was wonderful, and she e-mailed me my receipt and itinerary. But I am still worried. This is not the same as a boarding pass. What if it is not good enough? I have the e-mailed receipt, my baggage claim tickets, and the little sleeve that says which gate the plane left from, but no little receipt from boarding pass. WHY DOES THIS MATTER? I should really just go and hand it in, and they will probably say 'no prblem, stacey. This is plenty of information. Thanks for taking the initiative and contacting southwest yourself. Great job!'

But what if they don't? Gah! I really should be medicated...